So Alone

As someone who loves rock and roll, I am fascinated by musicians and the  lives they have led. Many of them are in pain from traumas suffered from childhood. One of my favorites is Johnny Thunders, the broken guitarist from the New York Dolls. One of his songs, "So Alone," kind of sums up the feelings of someone who  has experienced sibling loss, especially if there are no other siblings left to share the experience. Although there may be many people around who desire to be supportive, it is hard to shake the feeling that no one really "gets it." Of course, this feeling is, in part, symptomatic of the depression and shock that overtakes one after the death of a sibling, there is some truth in it. Sibling loss survivors are "disenfranchised" grievers in many respects. That is why it is so important for those of us who have experienced bereavement after the death of a brother or sister find each other. We have walked in each others' shoes. We do, in every sense, "get" the bombardment of feelings and thoughts that lie in the wake of the pain of sibling loss.

Why?

Why? That is one of the questions I often find myself wondering. Why do bad things happen? Why did I lose both of my brothers? Why is life so challenging sometimes? Why is life unfair? The list is endless. I have discovered, as many have already learned, that there aren't really any answers to these questions. And you can drive yourself crazy trying to find one.
But there is an answer to one "why" question: Why am I speaking out now about my experiences? Talking about the losses I have endured has never been easy for me. As a child, I rarely--if ever--spoke about my lost brother. As I learned more about myself, I shared more with others--but not much. I always had, in the back of my mind, the goal of writing something to help people in the same metaphorical boat. I wanted to do this not so much because I felt I was an expert or anything, just that I had been through tough times and could share my feelings and thoughts. When I feel upset, it helps to talk to another person who has been there, done that. I figured one day I would do it, but I think my difficulty in expressing my emotions held me back from attaining this goal. However, losing my remaining brother 6 years ago motivated me to finally stop my procrastination. Even if my insights were meaningless to others (and I hoped they weren't!) I had to let out my thoughts for my own piece of mind. I needed to finally process the traumatic events of my life, and this was a way to do so. If I can help anyone else even a little bit, there is icing on the cake. Thanks for reading, and thanks for the opportunity to continue on the healing process.